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How Not to Treat Weed Dealers, According to Weed Dealers

Close to half of all Americans have tried marijuana, and as more accepting attitudes prevail and social mores loosen, the number is growing steadily. For the curious languishing in places where medical or recreational marijuana is still illegal, that means interacting with a weed dealer, which can be a bit awkward, especially before something resembling rapport is established. That need not be the case. Because weed dealers—are you sitting?—are just like any retailer. They want to sell you a product and move on with their day. No fuckery. No weirdness. In. Out. Bing, bang, boom.

We talked to a few Chicago-area weed dealers about their customer pet peeves and the dos and don’ts of buying pot on the DL.

I really hate when people try to bargain. It costs what it costs. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Cash only. There are a surprising number of people who try to pay me in change. If you have to pull out dimes and quarters to pay me, maybe you shouldn’t be buying weed!

It’s not like I don’t give deals. I hook up my friends, of course, and I give deals for bulk shopping just like Costco. Some people assume they can get customer loyalty discounts after they’ve bought a certain amount from me. And while I’ll definitely do that, it’s gotta be on my terms. Don’t ask me about it; let me bring it up to you when I decide you’ve earned it. You don’t go to a restaurant and demand to get something for free just because you’ve been there multiple times. If they have a loyalty program, they’ll let you know, and they’ll hook you up if they want you to come back.

When it comes to communication, I’m more about clarity than discretion. The way I look at it, this shit is getting legal pretty quickly, and I don’t deal in huge quantities. I’d say my customers are more paranoid than I am. Some of them come up with their own code words for shit, and I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. People will call an ounce an onion, like “Yo, can I get an onion?” What the fuck is an onion, bro? Just tell me what you want, and I’ll hook you up!

Other than that, don’t linger after I sell you a sack. I like to have friendly conversation, but let’s cap it at two minutes. I’m also not going to smoke you up unless you’re my friend, so don’t hang out hoping I’m going to offer you free weed after I just sold some to you. Go smoke your own shit. – Sam*, 29

Our service has a lot of rules, and it is based entirely on referrals, which are tightly guarded. Basically, you’ll need three people who are already in to vouch for you, and we freeze referrals often due to security issues. If you’re lucky enough to become a member, follow the first rule of fight club: Don’t fucking talk about fight club. Don’t post about us on Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media sites. Don’t give any of our numbers to your friends. You will be blacklisted.

In the same vein, we have your number/address in our database. Don’t order from your friend’s house, or you will be blacklisted. You’ll also be blacklisted for ordering to your address while you’re having a party. Don’t be dumb.

And don’t try and play us on payment. We have three levels of quality, order the lowest if that’s all you can afford. Occasionally we’ll give you a break on the better stuff if you order the basics and we’re out by the time we get to you, but that’s rare. Don’t try to game the system, or you’ll have to go back to asking friends of friends if they know where to get weed. – Josh*, 28

Don't haggle, and don't try to pay with Venmo.

Ask MetaFilter

Now I am many years out of college, and my dealer connection moved to Portland but I would still would like to smoke now and again, and yet, I have no freaking clue how to find a source.

Demographic info: I’m 28, female, and single, live in a smallish city in the Hudson Valley about 1 hour north of NYC with a significant college stupid population + a number of Jamaican and Haitian immigrants, with a nice cross section of folks living around me. There are a few smoke shops in the area, but they are scattered around everywhere. I can smell weed when I walk down the street so I know that people around me who have it, but I don’t know how to take the next step here and find someone who will sell to me.

I know weed is not legal in this country – please no lectures on that. I also know the likelihood of the cops in my hood caring about me and my pathetic display of sometimes smoking one joint a month is slim to none. I just want to know how I, as someone who lives in a small city full of pot-smokers and no longer has a dealer, gets pot. If anyone can help, that will be great. Thanks.

Are there any music venues in your city that feature a lot of weed-friendly acts who in turn draw a weed-friendly crowd?

(Not a smoker myself. This answer is the first thing that came to mind.)
posted by jason’s_planet at 1:21 PM on April 13, 2013

Hudson Valley mefite. There are not many metafilter meet-ups around here, and I don’t know that they’d be fruitful for this, anyway.

Not that I would mind if they were, but *shrug*
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:14 PM on April 13, 2013

Casually say to a friend/co-worker/neighbour, “Y’know, I was walking down the street the other day and I could smell weed – and, when I started thinking about it, I realized that I don’t know anyone around here who sells it..unlike when I was in college!”

If your friend knows someone, or is someone, who deals, they’ll tell you. Then, depending on how direct you’re feeling, you can say, “OH, HOOK ME UP!” or some variant.

If your friend is not a weed-person or had an issue with weed, they’ll say something like, “Oh, man, it’s awful how you smell that everywhere now, isn’t it?” and you can smile and shake your head and make a mental note to NOT invite that person over to hang out when you finally procure the weed from elsewhere.

If you know any of the people on your street, even to say “Hey!” when you make eye contact, you can also say, “Hey, that smells great!” next time you smell what they’re smoking and, chances are good, you’ll be offered some. You can then work that into a conversation about how you can get more in the future.

Most of the people I know who smoke are happy to tell you where they got it – but they’re not going to walk up to someone who’s given no indication of being interested.
posted by VioletU at 2:29 PM on April 13, 2013 [6 favorites]

I’m assuming that you’re near Vassar? I went there about five years ago; there are a ton of students who are friendly and can hook you up.

Just wander around on the quad or by Sunset Hill and ask people who are lazing around smoking cigarettes if they can help you out. Dress like a college student and just seem nice. Someone there will know.
posted by k8lin at 3:01 PM on April 13, 2013

When I was in Canada with my friends several years ago, I asked a taxi driver “Hey, do you know where we can get a smoke?” He said “What kind of smoke?” and I responded “the special kind.” He ended up selling us pot right out of his car.

I don’t think you’ll have much trouble with that approach since New York State has decriminalized marijuana – as long as you’re not possessing over 25 grams (0.88 ounces) or less of cannabis it’s just a civil offense that you’ll only be ticketed for.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 7:46 PM on April 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ask MetaFilter Now I am many years out of college, and my dealer connection moved to Portland but I would still would like to smoke now and again, and yet, I have no freaking clue how to find a ]]>