Smoking weed in the bathroom
Growing up, my mother was (and still is) a big stoner, so I’ve never been concerned with getting caught green-handed at home. However, throughout the years I’ve exercised discretion while getting high in hotels and dorms, at the Waffle House, during concerts, in the middle of the disco, at the company holiday party, in the basement of my friend’s house paranoid on acid, in the stairwell of a music studio in midtown Manhattan, in the hot tub of the Ritz-Carlton at 2 a.m. before being escorted out by security…I could go on for days. Needless to say, learning to be a stealthy stoner is a bright idea. Pay attention while I dish you some tips.
Anticipate Your Needs
When toking on the down low, you want easy access to everything you could possibly need. I recommend putting together a stash bag, like one from the AnnaBís collection, full of essentials: breath mints, gum, eye drops, fragrance oil, miniature air freshener, moist toilettes, lighter, matches, poker or paper clip, pipe cleaners, one-hitter, cannabis, etc.
Choose a Method
Whatever you do, don’t smoke a blunt or a joint because the smoke is uncontrollable and you will get busted. Instead, use a bowl with a lid like the Proto Pipe or a one-hitter. Or skip combustion all together and vaporize your cannabis. CO2 vape oil pens and portable dry leaf vaporizers like the PAX 2 are super discreet, extremely convenient and easy to hide. Plus, the vapors emitted are much tamer and the odor is subtle. Just be sure to keep your bud in an air-tight jar. It’ll give off more aroma than your plumes of vapor.
Related: Stoner Buddy Movies
Banish the Smell
The sweet and pungent aroma of cheeba is easily recognizable. You’ll want to mask or eliminate the odor the best you can. First, close all vents and block the draft under your door. You can use a towel for the door, but I prefer a draft stopper because it looks less sketchy. Consider investing in an air purifier. They’re spendy, but well worth the investment. Scented candles, incense, and air sanitizers are helpful, too. In college, I perfected the art of smoking through a spoof and never got caught. Make your own by taking an empty toilet paper or paper towel roll and taping a folded drier sheet on one end. Simply, exhale into the open end for fresh-laundry-scented smoke. Or, you can buy one of these handy personal smoke filters: Smoke Buddy, Sploofy or Snubbz. Also, next time you’re in a head shop, look for a tiny spoof disguised as chapstick. It makes a handy addition to your stash bag.
Eliminate the Smoke
Open a window and place a box fan facing outside in the sill. Turn it on high. After you take a hit, cover the top of your bowl or one hitter. Then, exhale slowly into the back of the fan. If you have another fan in the room, allow it to oscillate.
Hide the Noise
You may cough or get a case of the giggles. Not to mention, the click of your lighter may tip someone off. Do yourself a favor and play some background music. Electric fans will help create ambient noise as well. You could turn on the TV, but it’s generally a buzzkill. If you’re in the bathroom, run the shower or faucet. Keep a pillow or hoodie close by to muffle uncontrollable fits of laughter and the like.
Survey the Scene
Is the smoke alarm disarmed? Are the doors locked? Are the vents closed? Is the window open? Is the draft under the door blocked? Is the air purifier turned on? Is music playing? Is your 420-fearing roommate around? Are your parents home? Are your kids home? Where’s your stash bag? Before your judgement gets a little hazy, take note of your surroundings, make sure you have everything you need, and take any last minute precautions to avoid unexpected encounters.
Devise an Emergency Backup Plan
Accidents happen. Maybe, after a few drinks, you think it’s a good idea to hot box the apartment. Perhaps, you’re smoking up with inexperienced tokers and someone knocks over the bong, allowing the stench and smoke to escape. You may forget to towel the door. One of your friends may start squealing like a pig. Stay cool, spray air sanitizer, open a window, hide your stash, and take a walk. What happens if a neurotic roommate or asshole neighbor stops by to complain? Apologize and send them on their way. What happens if the police come knocking at your door? Stay cool and know your 4th Amendment rights.
Stealthy Stoner Bonus Tips:
- Smoke up in the bathroom. It’s the one place you can get away with spending extended periods of time without someone barging in.
- Cover your fire alarm with a plastic shower cap to keep it from going off while you’re blazing.
- Keep an empty beer bottle around. If someone calls you out for acting silly, blame it on the malty beverage.
- Explore the discrete world of medicated edibles, tinctures, and patches. No smell, no smoke, no problems.
How to get lit without getting caught.
Smoking weed in the bathroom
The tricky thing about smoking weed is convincing yourself, once properly stoned and ready to go about your day, that no one can actually tell that you’re high.
It probably doesn’t really matter, but erasing the telltale signs can ease even the chillest person’s mind and allow them to enjoy themselves to the fullest. Eye drops and gum aside, once the physical markers of having just enjoyed a joint to yourself in your home are gone, the one thing that lingers is that weed-stink — instantly recognizable and a dead giveaway.
There’s no need to be ashamed about getting stoned, but sometimes you just want to live your life to the fullest without sending up a flare that announces to whomever you share living space with that you’re stoned. After one too many offhand comments from my roommate about how he could smell weed from the vestibule of our apartment building, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Armed with the power of the internet, a bag of Cherry Kush and my vape, I tested a variety of DIY methods of getting that stank out of my home. Here’s what worked.
1. A sploof: The last time I made one of these, I was a freshmen in college, eager to smoke the garbage weed we bought from a fifth-year senior from the comfort of my dorm room. We thought we were doing a great job of being slick and keeping it classy, but when the RA knocked on the door and told us that the hallway smelled like Downy and weed, I vowed to never use this method again.
You’d think I learned my lesson that day, but since my roommate often comes home to find me in a haze of weed-stink eating frozen grapes and watching the Food Network, I figured I’d do them — and myself — the courtesy of having our shared home smell pleasantly like a laundromat. Looking to upgrade from the traditional paper-towel-roll-and-drier-sheet model of my youth, I chugged a bottle of seltzer and followed this tutorial. For consideration, I parked myself in my room with the door open — my usual stance — and got after it.
The sploof surprised me. Even with the windows closed and even though I effectively hot boxed my cat, who observed these proceedings with amusement from the radiator, my room smelled like artificial freshness. Maybe there was hint of weed, too, but less like I’d been holed up with a bong and some snacks for three days and more like the person behind the counter at the laundromat was hitting the vape in the back between customers.
Verdict: This might be your best bet. Dryer sheet technology may have improved since I was an undergrad, but even if it hasn’t and I’m just tricking myself, there are plenty of sploofs on the market that use charcoal filters. Some people say they work, but in a pinch, some dryer sheets and a paper towel roll is the way to go.
2. Cooking food to mask the smell.
This method feels like common sense — replace one lingering, noxious odor with another — and I’m pleased to report that it does, but the results are extremely temporary. During my testing, I was making a very aromatic chicken chile verde in my slow cooker which was emitting smells so strong that you could tell what it was from the hallway. While my dinner cooked away, I parked myself in the kitchen and exhaled in the general direction of the slow cooker. As the smoke dissipated, there was a brief moment when the weed-stink and the food-stink battled for dominance, but the onions and garlic eventually took over.
Verdict: If you want to smoke a joint and sauté onions and garlic for fifteen minutes, then you’re good to go. But, I don’t think the scent of, say, cookies, in the oven would overpower weed, so use caution with this method.
3. Lighting a match
Here’s the thing — the odors that lighting a match “mask” and the smell of a giant cloud of weed smoke hanging out in your living room are two very different beasts. Nothing about this “trick” leads me to believe that it would do anything about weed smoke either. Still, I gave it a shot, exhaling a cloud of smoke into my living room and immediately lighting a match afterwards. Briefly, my nostrils were filled with the acrid scent of burnt match. Thirty seconds later, it was replaced with weed.
Verdict: Do not proceed! This trick doesn’t even work on bathroom odors because all it does is briefly mask the smell, not eliminate it completely.
I couldn’t find Ozium, which comes highly reccomended so I used the Febreze that was sitting in the bathroom. The scent is “Meadows & Rain”, if it matters, but trust me, it doesn’t. I exhaled two huge clouds of smoke into my bedroom, then immediately sprayed the Febreze. As with every method I’ve tried, there’s a lingering scent of weed before whatever I chose to cover it up with takes effect, but I’m happy to report that this worked. After re-entering the space, I noticed that the scent of weed was gone.
Verdict: This has a home in every baby pothead’s starter kit for a reason.
5. Running the shower in the bathroom a towel stuffed under the door.
As I live in New York and do not have the privilege of having a window in my bathroom, I tried my best to simulate fresh air by turning on the wheezing ventilator fan, put the shower on as hot as it would go and stuffed a towel in the crack between the door and the floor. Supposedly, the steam from the shower and the circulation from the fan will allow you to smoke as much weed as you want without leaving a trace. What actually happened was that I hotboxed the bathroom, releasing a cartoonish cloud of both steam and smoke into my hallway upon my exit.
Reconsider the tricks you tried in high school.